Men aren’t supposed to be big on emotion, but at the Santa Monica’s Men Circle in California, they have no problem discussing their innermost feelings. The recession has them worried, they say. The news makes them anxious. There is anger, fear, self doubt. Former masters of the universe all wondering if their futures will be as bright as their pasts.
“I start questioning my self-worth and am I making good decisions,” one group member admits. “And then I start second guessing my other decisions and it starts eroding my confidence.”
In this circle, they feel free to unload.
“There are times when I want to keep a good face,” says one gentleman with graying hair and boyish grin, “and there are times when I need to just let all that go and I really want to give myself permission to do that.”
Of the nearly four million who have lost their jobs since the recession began, 78% are male. And some sociologists say that they’re hurting more than women.
“The idea of being a man, being a provider, being a bread winner is still the sort of anchor that most men have for their masculinity,” says Michael Kimmel, author of “Guyland.”
Men may be evolved—some cry, some get manicures, some even help with housework—but many still feel it’s their duty to slay the beasts while their wives tend to the caves, Kimmel argues. Yes, it’s downright prehistoric, but real nonetheless.
“It’s my job to beat things with a club and drag them home and dress them and serve them for dinner,” says Jonathan Steuer, a media researcher who lost his job in October. “To the extent that I’m not doing that right now it’s a bit of a frustration.”
He’s now over the anger of being laid off, but when he was given his pink slip he was, in a word, shocked.
“I felt like a chump,” says the father of two. “I felt like I’d been taken advantage of, like I’d been played. I worked a lot harder than my job demanded.” For a while he had revenge fantasies. Those have since subsided. “The best revenge in a career situation is to be successful in whatever you do and I’m working on that instead.” Meanwhile, his wife, Marjorie, a writer, is working on staying calm and keeping her family financially afloat. It’s not always easy. “I still wake up in a cold seat in the middle of the night thinking, ‘we’re okay now, but what happens if he doesn’t get a job?’”
For some couples that’s not the only concern. Ego and libido often go hand in hand, say experts. “You could imagine the guy saying I’m not feeling the most powerful in the board room, but here in the bedroom I’m still the champ,” Kimmel explains. “Or you could imagine since I’m feeling so much less powerful in my job, I don’t quite have the energy or the virility to perform in the bedroom.”
Back at the Men’s Circle, Paul Bob Velick, the group’s leader, has just posed a question that prompts spirited conversation. “Can a man be a man in a recession,” he asks, “or can we only be men in good times?”